Me as a young boy: cute but easily-defeated
On Children #1:
Have you ever wondered how many children you could beat up?
I could probably beat up a hundred kids, but that’s just a guess. I’ve never fought a large number of children so I don’t actually know. Still, one hundred seems like a fair amount. Maybe I could punch one or two more in the belly because I’m a pretty strong guy. But after a while I’d get tired and bored. There are only so many toddlers I could “wail on” before their sobbing started to make me cranky. Then I’d wander off to get an espresso doublé and a croissant with jam.
Some of you probably think that a well-organised platoon of 8-year-olds would defeat me. Fair enough. I could easily be lured into some kind of trap. Then, tied-up and hanging by my ankles, I would make an excellent piñata, as my pockets are generally full of coins. But ask yourself: when was the last time you saw a well-organised platoon of 8-year-olds?
The reality is that children just don’t make an effective fighting force. They are flabby and distractible and their grasp of basic battlefield tactics is rudimentary at best. I don’t want to be mean but let’s face facts – children are cowards. Most kids are as yellow as a bowl of frightened custard, and twice as squishy. They have no stomach for a fight.
It’s unlikely that I’ll ever be encircled by a large gang of hostile toddlers. But if they do manage to sneak up on me, I won’t panic. Because I’ll know that behind all the threats and improvised karate is a small child – a small child that is one swift kick away from peeing its pants in sheer terror.
Listen. I’m not some deluded madman. I’m a reasonable guy. I vote for mainstream political parties and hold socially acceptable views on a wide range of contemporary issues. I brush my teeth one tooth at a time, just like a normal person. And I’m not suggesting that we should kill all the children in some kind of drug-fuelled frenzy of violence and gore. All I’m saying is that I could beat up a lot of kids.
